Feeling... Something

I'm not sure what I'm feeling today. I'm down, slightly depressed, dissapointed with myself, and really trying to remember that everyone makes mistakes and to be gentle with myself.

Mostly I feel humbled and a bit hypocritical.

My husband and I have never had problems in any area except money. We've never cheated on each other, we can discuss anything, we've learned and grown together, and in short been a perfect match. Money is the only thing that's been an issue.

We we first got together he had bad credit. He stopped paying everything after he got divorced. He had several checks at payday advance places, owed his gramma $500, and repeatedly bounced checks or overdrew his account. I told him all this was a deal breaker. I told him that it had to change.

And it would. Mostly. He'd make an honest mistake along the way and I'd be shaken and feel betrayed, pissed off, and have a hard time trusting him.

This is why I eventually took over all the bills.

Then, when I was consolidating my credit cards into a BOA Gold Loan I discovered that he had credit card debt he didn't tell me about. It was only $1200, but it was a huge deal. I was pregnant and trying to set things up so I could stop working and enjoy a few months of maternity leave.

I got approval for the loan, received the money, and discovered his card. I didn't have enough to pay off all my cards and his, so I had some debt remaining with Capital One.

It took us about three months to work out. We're okay now, but it was a horrible thing to go through and the timing was awful.

After taking over the finances I had a few booboos myself. Nothing huge. Three or four times of being a day or two late, and two instances of overdrawing an account. (One of them was not my fault, the other was.) I confessed each misdeed immediately. Hubby promptly forgave me each time.

I felt like our debt (all of which is mine since he had poor credit when we got together) was okay and acceptable because we discussed almost every purchase. Sometimes we were forced to use the card (car broke down) and other times we thought we were being smart. A few times we realized it was stupid but did it anyway.

Now I'm feeling like a horrible human being. I know, I know, I am not alone in the experience of drowning in debt. I'm not the only one who's in this situation. Medical expenses, business expenses, emergencies, and downright stupidity are a horrible combination.

I'm still feeling crappy. Who am I to be all high and mighty about a few bounced checks? And now I'm filing for bankruptcy. That's what my attention to detail and transparency led to. Good credit can lead to bankruptcy just as fast as bad credit.

On the other hand, even though we plan on being married forever and have a great relationship (perfect for each other and all that) I started to feel resentful today. Why do I have to be the one to ruin my credit? Why am I the one that has to have all this debt in my name or, alternatively, have the bankruptcy?

It made sense at the time. I had the good credit. I had the card offers and the higher limits. He couldn't get a credit car. But now... grr.

So many conflicting emotions in so little time.

I'm glad I started a blog. Even if no one ever reads this it gives me a chance to get what I'm feeling out there. I don't believe in bottling up emotion.